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what if…………

The light bulb in our ceiling fan flickers.

 Its annoying.

 just a distraction.

 Not at all what I am intending on writing about.  but……Some things are too big to start…..Some topics too vast to even approach. and yet there is really no other way……

have you ever had in your life a huge “what if….”? A regret that nags. And although you know it isn’t healthy or logical to keep revisiting….still you do…..you wonder “what if…….”

I remember when my grandpa passed away I remember thinking that although I had been able to have so many amazing memories of him I still wondered why I didn’t spend more time with him. Why I didn’t ask him more questions…..what if I had? And then I remember thinking…..”I would never want another loved one to pass away knowing that I hadn’t made my best effort to have a better relationship with said loved one….”

 

what if……..

 

it was said that now we will all be faced with the what ifs and that we shouldn’t let those thoughts linger, instead replace them with good memories, something positive to cling to. What if there aren’t any memories to catalog through? What if all I know are one sided negative stories…. pictures of a no good, lazy, incapable being……..

 

I refuse to believe they’re all true. I understand why they were spoken….but I don’t believe them in their entirety….too much hurt comes along with those stories….regret….mistakes……unclaimed guilt…….

 

As a mama I don’t understand a lot of why things turned out the way they have……….as a mama I understand perfectly why things have turned out the way they have……

 

neither side fair.

but what if?

 

what if someone would have said sorry………….what if someone would have tried harder……………..what if we all knew who were truely are and that we are loved………what if………

 

what if I just let it go and never think on it again?

 

what if the what ifs take over?

 

what if I would have been more of an adult with less baggage……..choosing to forget the baggage……….

 

 

the light keeps flickering……..the dryer drones on………….the what ifs keep coming………….

 

It’s easy for me to continue on with life, my babies, my hubby, my faith, my everyday everything. It’s easy to not think on the what ifs, its also not easy to escape them.

I just want five minutes, to persuade, to beg, to reason….what if that’s all it would have taken?

 

it’s not fair.

 

I want to scream.

 

I want to cry.

 

I want to forget. I want a complete picture.

 

The eternities are available, I know. I know with my whole being…..but I don’t understand, I don’t understand why we are plagued with the what ifs……….

 

 

I would have said sorry…………I would have asked for the real story. The version that was real to someone…..

what if the wounds could have healed…………….

his……………..and mine.

 

what if……

Heather
Filed under: Uncategorized | Posted By: Heather @ 12:43 am - July 23rd, 2010 |